What’s the term for someone whose takes are so consistently wrong that they become a reliable indicator for whether something definitely won’t happen? Anti-oracle? Not-stradamus? Take your pick—the point is that person is me.
Just to illustrate how shit my takes are, know that I forecast the Switch 2 would be a commercial and critical failure and was almost immediately made to eat crow. Obviously, Nintendo’s new handheld is a runaway success, but let’s not linger on my exceptional wrongness, because I want to talk about the September Nintendo Direct and how it’s proven me right.
It was bound to happen one day.
Many were disappointed when the Switch 2 launch day and early-post-release game lineups were announced. I wasn’t, despite having zero confidence in the handheld itself. Donkey Kong Bonanza looked rad, and Mario Kart World showed that Nintendo wasn’t afraid to get a little freaky with the series’ formula.
Then the console released, records were broken, I ate crow, yada yada yada, the games came out and they were great. Game-key Cards? Kind of shady, but hey, who wants to own physical copies of their games anyway? Then we got Direct after colorful Direct, Nintendo Whimsy™, and… announcements for a whole bunch of amazing games that we won’t get to play until next year. Interesting, I thought, a new potentially shit take brewing within me. A chance at redemption? As typical, I picked the kettle off the flame before the boil, so eager to offer up this lukewarm prediction:
The Switch 2 won’t be worth owning until 2026.
My wife, who loves our Nintendo Switch and hates spending money on frivolous gadgets and doohickeys, agrees completely. So, I’ve been watching each Direct, hoping that Nintendo gives us absolutely nothing new for the rest of the year.
The latest Direct has delivered. The new Yoshi game looks incredible—oh, that’s coming out next year. The Fatal Frame II Remake? Next year. The new Monster Hunter Stories? You guessed it. If you’re a Switch 2 owner watching the Direct, you probably got real tired of seeing the number 2026 all the time. The only happy people here are Metroid Prime and Pokémon fans, who get new games this fall to spend the next half-decade complaining about. The cherry on top? no new Mario game. That’s settled, then—another Nintendo flop.
I accept this victory on behalf of haters the world over. I harbor no ill will toward Nintendo fans who love a handheld that hates physical media. I know 2026 will be your year—thus spake Not-stradamus.
